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Rare are those human beings who’ll keep their side of bargain even if the others fail to deliver. Those are called Larissa Riqulemes of the world. There are people who’ll promise & then ditch. Pretty easy, me & you. And then there are Poonam Pandeys of the world who will promise and then ditch, change demands which when fulfilled, will ditch again.

For those who don’t know Larissa Riquelme, she’s basically a Poonam Pandey from Uruguay whose parents taught her to keep her word. And keep her words; she did, even after the Uruguay football team failed to keep theirs. One of the major reasons why Uruguay fired on with all cylinders at the FIFA world cup is the fact that they had Larissa Riquelme. No points for guessing that LR kicks ass. She has proved both in words and actions that she is a ‘woman of substance’. Actually, in ‘anatomy’ of the matter too.

Believe me, this is one of the most decent photos of Larissa Riquelme I could find.

And here in India we have Poonam Pandey who has literally personified the meaning of KLPD. For the benefit of those readers whose mother tongue is English, whose mother tongue is Hindi but they like to pretend being the grandchildren of King Edward V and those who genuinely don’t know the meaning of KLPD, it means – TO DITCH SOMEONE ON AN ERECT DICK. And that’s what PP has managed to pull off in a grand style on a whole fucking sausage fest of a nation. Henceforth, we should seriously think about replacing the word KLPD with PP.

Even though greater depths have been reached by A Raja & Suresh Kalmadi, this is also pretty low one can fall for money and fame. As if announcing cheap gimmicks for publicity wasn’t nether enough, PP went one step further & pulled out a rabbit from the hat. Announce & then don’t do it. Again LR has to be appreciated here since she made her motives of doing a stripper in public apparent. She wanted a shot in arm for her modeling career. But supposedly PP wanted to do it for cheering Indian cricket team & it had nothing to do with getting modeling contracts. Whatever might have been the motives, PP mercilessly butchered the fantasies of millions of males across India who were glued to the TV that fateful night in anticipation of a full monty. It’ll be a blasphemy to call PP a sadist, she should be christened Sadism itself.

Again, one of the most decent photos of Poonam Pandey I could find.

Even though LR is way, way, wayyyyyy more attractive than PP, but as I always say, beggars can’t be choosers. Whatever comes our way, has to be accepted as a grace of God. But again the point being, it has to come first which it didn’t. It’s my humble appeal to everybody out there to not purchase anything being modeled/endorsed by Poonam Pandey, lest you want the blood of murdered male fantasies on your hands.

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I am not just another GREENPEACE punk trying hands at Morality! This is how we treat fellow Earthlings –

Let’s get straight to the point. If you are a non vegetarian here’s why you are an asshole –

If you think cultivating life for consuming it later is Oh so right, you’ve got to be the biggest motherfucker on this earth, religious beliefs not withstanding, ignoring all the castes, colors creeds, races, history and everything else. Supposedly human beings are the most intelligent form of life on this planet, even if they are, dear fucked up non vegetarian you are not. Raising a life for your own gustatory pleasures is as low as it gets. It’s all protein & fat. Hmm I agree. But its fat & proteins with feelings, with a nervous system that can interpret pain & severe physical distress.

If you can sense pain and fear, so can animals. If you have babies so do the animals. If you feel for them, so do animals. It’s all about meat, right? Now unless you have the balls and the inhumanity to cut up a shrieking living human being slowly, cook up and eat their limbs, livers and hearts, you should not be irreverent enough to indulge in this sin. Well actually go on, we could really do well with a reduced population count. I wish you’ll yourself be beheaded for consumption purposes with a swift blow and I would love to see your torso spasm involuntarily, twitch, until it dies out.

Just imagine your own kids here. Nice feeling of Euphoria you must be getting, eh?

There are some douche bags who will say ‘We can do it since we are more intelligent, stronger, more organized & more technologically superior to other races’. For those, I really pray to God that a horde of aliens more badass than Predator & AVP put together will descend down upon this Earth with their flashing plasma guns & laser guided machine guns and they take away your babies. I hope your babies are skinned alive, flayed & torn up with bare hands and teeth in front of you while they try in futility to muster up enough air in their lungs to wail in pain. I hope you’ll be made to listen to the crunch of their soft bones being crunched in a meat grinder on an amplifier. Would you like to see the fear and pain in their eyes on your fucking 3D LED? Just imagine them cowering and crawling in fear to escape the knife. I wish you’ll be made to feed on delectable dishes made up of your own offsprings. And I know you’ll relish on them. Survival of the fittest is cool. Charles Darwin Rocks!!

Given an option I would pay to see you hung like this, Dear Meat eater

You have to be a prostitute/gigolo of the worst kind if you feast on pain of animals that are helpless. For what? Just for gustatory pleasure? I only wish that you are made to rot in a cesspool filled up with the blood, feaces and remains of animals you have eaten. I wish you die of horribly painful gangrene. I hope you and your kids would be incarcerated in cages for eternity waiting to be slaughtered. I would love you being pulled by your leg to the slaughter table while you try in vain to hold on to something. I really would like to see you hang your own kid from toes on a rail and skin them alive/dead (take your pick here). Can you hang fellow human beings on rails waiting to be consumed, like clothes are hung in a wardrobe? Unless you can do that, I request you to show some mercy & compassion to animals and stop being a fucking non vegetarian.

Is this how far you would go to please your oral cavities? Killing an innocent being just like that?

So you can fucking go on ranting about who am I or who are you or who is anyone to decide about right or wrong, it’s all relative. But say whatever you will, you can never ever justify killing something that was alive, just for pleasure of your perverted tongues. Even when you had many alternatives which can afford more than your healthy survival! I don’t myself believe in God, Shit, afterlives and Morality, but always remember what goes around, comes around. Please stop being such an asshole and start reflecting a modicum of what you are supposed to be, a human being.

Well let’s face it. Gone are the golden days of “playing”. Don’t get me wrong, we still do play, but FIFA, Counter Strike, NFS & Cricket 2007 on our computers. Quite a few people have wondered why people are attracted to virtual gaming. My mother is surely one of them. She has always tried her level best to make my love affair with PC games as estranged as possible. Quite successful she’s been too!! Now obviously you can’t concentrate on assassinating an enemy on your screen if a high pitched voice in the background is constantly reminding you of how much time you have already spent gazing into the screen. But I guess that’s one of the job responsibilities God scribbled in the JDs of mothers & they are just doing their jobs. For the benefit of one & all let me decipher the kickassedness of PC gaming.

Why Virtual Gaming has super awesome orgasm inducing power?

1. Harmless Vicarious thrill. – Sports
You don’t sweat it out, don’t get to sport a few bruises or need to get uncomfortable one bit. Just put your ass on your couch, open a packet of goddamned potato chips & plug in your PS3 *DROOL* on your LED *DROOL AGAIN*. Whoa man, there you go, pulling off a Ronaldo on this world. All from the comfort of your living room couch.

2. Harmless Vicarious thrill. – Shooting
Had virtual games not been there, homicide figures would have spiraled out of control by now. God!! I am having an orgasm just thinking about in game Sniping & blowing the fucking brains out of people standing 2 Kms. away from me. You’ll agree with me here that no one would take kindly to your spilling the guts & the brains all over the place of an innocent man in broad day light on a busy intersection. Reality sucks ass! And guess what, you can go all out on normal people, aliens, police, whosoever you want.

Unleash the beast within!!

3. Harmless Vicarious thrill. – Racing
You definitely would be juiced worse than a tomato if you ever tried to do a 250 Kmph on city’s road. The safe option? PC Racing dumbos!! Super cool upgrades, steam engine-esque cars, gaudy & flashy accessories. No cash needed whatsoever! Just put them on & own the streets BITCHES. Hit & runs, Smashes, Drag races, Police chases – it’s like a dream come true. Just throw in a few carjackings & shootings. It’s a complete fuckfest out there!!

Asshole, you were supposed to drool at the car. You get to drive this baby around...the car I meant.

4. The social skills? The competitiveness of it? The sportsmanship? Oh yes yes! For these we have the LAN gaming. How so developing. Louly.

5. You can have funny names of your characters. Just think of the resulting notifications on kills – “Enigmatic Asshole fragged Dead Dick”. It’s my observation that people also name their game personas after the names of their alienated lovers or professors & then walk into ambush all by themselves. “Prof. XYZ just got shot in the head” – Ha, you had it coming gaywad.

6. You can irritate other players like there is no tomorrow & still don’t risk getting beaten to pulp. You can forcedly martyr some of your own team mates in friendly fire. You can declare war on your own allies by switching diplomacy in-between strategy games. Try tailgating your own team members on a relay circuit race. People will be pissed off worse than South Korea after the boat scuttling.

P.S. – If you haven’t tried PC games yet, seriously, give them a try.  They can bring you to orgasms much more easily & in a more economical way as compared to your girlfriend/boyfriend.

So we finally did actually win the world cup. Well congrats to everyone for that. You’ve had some sweets, crackers were burst, rash & drunken driving was done on Indian roads by slogan shouting rowdy street ruffians & “Indian Cricket team ke Paandav” emails were exchanged. But that’s it. Ok, that’s just about enough. I expect the bullshitting to stop now. I want everyone to go on with their miserable lives just like before the “Meteor-hits-Earth-annihilates-Dinosaurs” event took place.

Before you revert to singing paeans in the great glory of India Cricket, please mull on these points –

1. In principle it’s good that India won the world cup but what’s the fucking deal with attaching Godliness to some random asshole who for once denied to play for India because of “injury risk/elongation of career” & then went on to play in IPL? Ohh how so righteous!! Get it you dumbasses, it’s about the monies. If you hail this guy as THE GOD, then you should really pity the pathetic excuse your life is. Is this the guy who you want to represent India? Quite a patriot I must say. You never associate Godliness with our soldiers, now do you?

 2. And I know that you will fucking lap up everything with an Indian cricketer’s photo on it. Now suddenly a ‘cricketer underwear’ will be so awesome that you’ll buy 150 of them, right?? Do you realize how fucked up this thing really is? It’s all about ze moolahs bitches. People you need to fuck yourselves if you are ready to pay the advertising endorsement costs that are built in the product costs. Just because an underwear is being modeled by your favorite cricketer, it doesn’t make it the most comfortable out there. I for one definitely won’t give a % of my hard earned money to a cricketer for telling me which brand of under garments I am supposed to buy. Now don’t give me the lameass argument that they deserve the riches they have earned. Ok, fine. If they deserve it, then make the payments & get the hell over with it. No one hails anyone of us as a hero for working & getting paid.

 3. I haven’t ever heard these guys doing one bit of charity. These people are looting the shit out of this world worse than all the Indian politicians stashing away money in their swiss bank accounts. With all the hotels, schools & businesses they guys own, in all probability they might even be trying to evade taxes. Well that’s cheap actually considering how much money they are making. Hmm, the next logical argument will be that even I don’t do any charity. Well you are right, but I don’t exactly go prancing around as the next Avatar too.

4. What’s up with you guys keeping up patronizing & eulogizing status messages for days altogether in your status messages? Those of you who are putting up status messages like “World Champions”, “No Indian will forget this day”, “Feel on top of the world right now” etc. SHUT THE FUCK UP. You never write “Go India Go” when Indian Hockey team wins a tournament. What happened to you when Indian team won relay race at commonwealth games? Oh, now I get it, athletics isn’t your cup of tea. Shooting? Hmm no. Table Tennis? Never heard of it, right. Badminton? Shocked!! It’s more or less about cricket. Well fuck you mate. Fuck you twice.  

P.S. – India won the world cup. End of the story. Stop basking in the reflected glory and get on with your life now dickheads.

The Word “FUCK”

Oh hello readers! Hope you’re not getting reamed as badly by life as I am right now. But everyone has their share of misfortunes (unless ofcourse you are the prodigal son of Amitabh Bacchan, then you get films even after delivering a Km. long of flops & still get to marry Aishwarya Rai), I am not complaining but I really wish you get road-rolled pretty soon too.

A FYI

 In the past few days many people have questioned whether I use the word “FUCK” so generously in my conversation as I use it in my posts. The answer is Yes, I do say “FUCK” a lot of times in my conversations too. I am not a sexist, racist, regionalist, fundamentalist or a follower of casteism & hence I use the word with females, colored people, Bengalis, Brahmins & pretty much the rest of everyone without any discrimination. 99.75% times it is in the non sexual connotation. The rest 0.25% rarely hits its mark. You know, not looking like Brad Pitt & being +10 Kgs doesn’t help your cause really. Plus driving an alto can seriously dent your chances of getting laid.

WHY YOU SHOULD SAY “FUCK” MORE OFTEN

  1. Your pent up anger is released. It helps you in easy reconciliation with your nemesis. Results in lesser frustration & you won’t end up becoming a backstabbing bastard like the ones with whom you are surrounded with.
  2. Your BP remains low & hence you do not die with a sudden cardiac arrest.
  3. Very rare chance, but if you look like Harrison Ford/Penelope Cruz, a person of opposite sex might actually decode it in literal sense & agree.
  4. According to Bhagwan Rajneesh (Osho) – Saying Fuck you 5 times every morning is a good way of transcendental meditation. It also unclouds your mind & clears your throat.
  5. God didn’t set any statutory limit per person for saying fuck, hence let’s get on with it people.
  6.  If you need more reasons – Well, Fuck you!

WHERE YOU SHOULD NOT SAY FUCK/ FLIP THE BIRD

  1. Believe me, writing Fuck you in an email to your Boss is not a great idea.
  2. I’ve had to face some repercussions of using the word during an interview (but still acceptable, because at the maximum you would be politely asked to leave the room) though always advisable to have a job offer in your hand before trying it out.
  3. At any cost don’t flip the bird to people on Delhi roads. One of my dear friends just escaped a bid on his life as a result of showing the finger to a rash motorist.
  4. Not a bright idea to say “Fuck you” on your first day at Gym to a regular.  
  5. Muttering Fuck you under your breath in front of a French speaking Professor can get you fucked.  I learnt it the hard way that some French know English too.
  6. No point saying Fuck you to your spouse. You do it anyways.

P.S. “Fuck” is a very versatile word too. Perhaps there is no other word in English language that can convey so many different connotations by just the sound of it. If you don’t agree with me – Please read on the excerpt taken from an Osho discourse – The Great Pilgrimage: From Here to Here #23. I’ll try to be as verbatim as possible

“One of the most interesting words in the English language today is the word “FUCK”. It is a magical word. Just by sound it can describe pain, pleasure, hate and love. In language it falls under many grammatical categories.

  1. It can be used as a verb , both transitive – John fucked Mary &
  2. Intransitive – Mary was fucked by John, and as a
  3. Noun – Mary is a fine fuck.
  4. It can be used as an adjective – Mary is fucking beautiful.

As you can see, there are not many words with the versatility of fuck. Besides the sexual meaning, there are also the following uses.

  1. Ignorance – Fuck, if I know.
  2. Trouble – I guess I am fucked now.
  3. Fraud – I got fucked at the used car lot.
  4. Aggression – Fuck you.
  5. Displeasure – What the fuck is going on here?
  6. Difficulty – I can’t understand this fucking job.
  7. Incompetence – He is a fuck off.
  8. Suspicion – what the fuck are you doing?
  9. Enjoyment – I had a fucking good time.
  10. Request – Get the fuck out of here.
  11. Hostility – I am going to knock your fucking head off.
  12. Greeting – How the fuck are you?
  13. Apathy – Who gives a fuck?
  14.  Innovation – Get a bigger fucking hammer.
  15. Surprise – Fuck, you scared the shit out of me.
  16. Anxiety – Today is really fucked.”   

P.P.S – Any more uses guys??

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